Dinding bising (1)

Sometimes, when you think everything is so bullshit, and all the feeling that pile up on your mind and heart is unbearable…

You think you needed someone to talk to… To rant on and on, on whatever stupid ridiculous thing that you had in your mind…

You think you need somebody to hear you out…

But, that somebody that you think that will hear you out… Won’t ever heard you perfectly and be convincing enough to cool down your anger, resentment or whatever stupid-ridiculous-melancholy thingy feelings that you had…

After a while, you just stop talking on the matter… Live your life half-heartedly…

Seriously…

That’s what I’d been doing for the past few weeks..

I need someone to hear me out…

Someone who sit there and just listen…

Someone who pretended he/she hear me heartily… (even by the fact, he/she did not!)

Someone, who can care for me… Do little something that can cheer me up…

But I found nobody..

I’m started to feel lonely…

That’s when it comes the moment I’ve been said to myself – LONELY become LONELIER… (stupid me!)

And I just pretended I love everything that gonna slip through my hands by any minutes or any seconds…

But, that unbearable stupid-ridiculous feeling won’t go away…

So, I started to have every minute and every second conversation to Allah… it may sound too absurd to some people… but, I really need someone to talk to… (unfortunately, I don’t have one… hahaha)

And, the feeling just get pile up…

End up, I feel angry over myself…

The resentment won’t had enough… I just get angrier by times… And things are too difficult to complete even a simple task!

I start to shut every single doors open before… I never let anyone entering my world again…

I started to believe that everything is so ridiculous…

Even thinking to resign and want to runaway to anywhere…

Seems lost… Perfectly lost!

Pergi usrah pon, half-heartedly! Can you imagine that?

I can’t bare with the feeling… Thought I’m gonna explode myself like a timebomb…

But, Allah is too sweet and too kind on me…

He sent His sweet few words, through people that I conversed with…

He sent His cotton candy comfort in a way that I can’t ever imagine before…

Honestly, I never imagine that I can have that single comforting words from people who I never ever thought to…

And, sure enough.. Allah tu laaa yang ilhamkan diorang semua tu untuk cakap cenggitu…

I may not have a single person to be called as best friend or BFF or darling friend or whatever comes to that definition…

But, I know Allah won’t leave me…

I may not perfectly recover from the unbearable stupid-ridiculous-melancholy feelings that been haunting me for the past 2 months… I may not recovered it at all..

But, at least, this unwanted-melancholy feeling, made me knew that, it been there for a reason…

Untuk sebab yang sangat pasti…

Sebab Allah want me to have Him only…

Sebab Allah nak rasa kebergantungan pada Dia tu memang semata pada Dia…

And, yes… I feel that… even, being me, I have doubts on myself about being so stupidly oversensitive on things that not related either for my life… (Hahaha…)

And I know, somehow or rather… Allah love me so much.. That he can’t dare to leave me alone… (Even I’m a loner by myself…)

Dan, aku tak tahu kenapa aku menaip mende ni dalam English… hahaha….

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